Good Bye 2015...HELLO 2016: BE WONDERFUL...please?

So... we're not the brink of the end of another year. It has been HORRIBLE. I am at a lack of words to describe what it feels like.  I'm not even sure how many people are going to see this blog.  But here it is. I cannot wait to write 2016 on something new. A check, my chalkboard, anything.  Anything to remind me that this most pathetic year is over.  I have truly gone through this year. I have shed so many tears.  I have been depressed and filled with so much anger.  Yes, my Aunt's death is something that I am still struggling to come to terms with.  She left a mess. She left without cleaning things up and making sure that her sister's children and her brother's children were okay.

I was very close to my Aunt. I made an absolute ass out of myself trying to defend her from afar. Coming to terms with the fact that her friends dominated everything about her is something that will take me years to overcome. Not only did they rob me of the grieving process, they took her things before we, her family, had a chance to grieve her and remember her and look at her belongings. I have very few items that belonged to her thanks to her "friend" Andreis Lewis. I will put it out there one last time as I have struggled with it. Plainly put:  this man convinced my Aunt to sign over a check in the amount of over $300, 000.  Her illness, physical and mental, allowed her to be taken advantage of and he had power over everything when it came to her. Her health decisions, her money, her belongings, and even making the most insulting and sickening funeral arrangements.

As I kiss this year good bye, I desire to lay all of this down and leave room for God's wrath. I know that I know that He is not pleased with how she was treated.  There was nothing I could do from Chicago.  But I must hold firm to the little faith I have left that God is not only going to deal with Mr. Lewis, but He is going to deal with her friends:  Ce Ce and Ruth.  These three people were so instrumental in making sure that Janice Carr's family was shut out of any decision making, and TOOK TOTAL advantage of her. My heart breaks when I look at the pictures of her.  She literally told people she didn't have family.  She had family. Of all of her sister and brother's children, I WAS HER FAMILY. I did the best that I could to stay in contact with her, to call her, send her cards, visit her in sunny California (even when I couldn't afford to do so).

I know full well that when the clock ticks and a new year dawns, this too has to go. I have no room in my life to dwell on this anymore. I fought that fight alone and now I face another fight: my own life...my own health... my own desires...and my own dreams.  I have come to the conclusion that my main focus and my main job now is take care of me. I have been in a place of avoidance and did not want to admit it to myself; but the reality is that I suffer from depression and anxiety like nobody's business. I, like my Aunt, my mother, my father, and probably many of my relatives have an issue with this. It is the same as having high blood pressure, or a bad rash. It comes and goes in waves. It has been choking me this year. This depression has resulted in my losing time from work and from doing things that I would normally do with a smile and with joy. I used to sing, like Auntie, all the time. These days I am lucky to sing in my classroom for my students. I want and need to get back to me.  I need to get back and discover all the magical and wonderful things about me that make me happy.

Physically, I have endured one of the most devastating surgeries that a woman can have. I struggle with who I am right now, but a new year is dawning. I am thankful that I am wise enough to seek help. And I am getting the help that I need for sure. My therapist told me "your voice has been swallowed up in grief."  That sounds pretty accurate. Grief is a journey.  Grief is a process. I am only hopeful that 2016 brings a break in that grief. I am hoping that my grieve over many friends that were lost this year in addition to my own physical good byes will break. Life is very short. I am so looking forward to trying again.  Somewhere down the line I think I told myself it's too late. Your old now.   But I'm still breathing.  I am still waking up in the mornings and I guess that would mean and indicate that God still has things for me to do and for me to accomplish.

Some of the last words my mother told me before she died, very suddenly and unexpectedly: "It's your time now!" In her slow demise, when I was able to speak to my Aunt Janice she would faintly whisper "You take care!" I can see a blue print forming. I see a wonderful blue print before me as I know that these two women, these sisters, are now looking over me. Perhaps even guiding me. They are my angels. The impact that they both had on my life is still present. It will never fade. But I desire to bid my grief farewell so that I can live. I want to live to the fullest in the coming year. I know that everyday is not going to be peaches and cream. But at least I have a desire now to live and to take care of myself... why?  It's my time. New rules. New boundaries. New goals. New ways of thinking.

God has carried me through this year and sustained me. He has provided for me. He is ANGRY FOR ME. Daily I try to give him my anger. No one should be treated like crap in their final days. It has given me the focus to make sure that I have things in place and in order for my own nieces and nephews. This past year has allowed me to see changes in myself and enough of people's , well...SHIT to know that I no longer want to be a part of a great many things. I am looking forward to living a new way. I am looking forward to a new job and even perhaps in a new field. I followed in the footsteps of my Aunt and became a music teacher. But it's not all that it is cracked up to be. It's political. It's degrading, at least on my campus, to only be a prep teacher for regular classroom teachers. I worked hard to follow in my Aunt's footsteps. But the journey and path that she took cannot and will not be mine. It is time for me to steer clear of trusting people so much that I would push my family away.

There is still so much healing that needs to take place in my heart and in my life. I need healing in my spiritual life, my physical life, my mental life and in my emotional life. Therefore, there will be some abrupt changes, slow changes...changes to the way I live and give. I know that I can no longer afford to put others before me and what my needs and desires are. I am looking forward to learning HOW to put myself first. I am looking forward to learning HOW to say no and mean it...and not have to give a reason why. It's exciting. Thank you for the lesson 2015. Thank you for allowing me to see people in my family, in my friendships, in my workplace and all around me that no longer serve nor desire my highest good. I desire to let them go and to move on to a fresh start. Thank you for 2015 for allowing to function and BE in a new way. I very much look forward to BETTER DAYS in 2016. I do not make resolutions anymore...but this year I am making determinations.

I am determined that I will "take care" and that "this is my time." I am thankful and open to my angels and God for leading me to a new way...a fresh way. I welcome 2016 and not only do I have determinations...I have expectations for the year. The forecast for my life is good. God knows the desires of my heart. I look forward to leaving room for his wrath and room for him to teach me fresh and anew. May this next year of life be so full of blessings that I am able to bless others in a profound and deep way.  I pray for my family. I pray for my friends. And I give thanks that "It's not over until God says it's over."

Greetings to you 2016...let's get this party started! Nay Nay...is on her way to new heights!

New Week...

God's mercies are supposed to be new EVERY morning!  This is the beginning of a new week.  I am looking forward to trying this thing again. My main concern is the diabetes. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get this thing under control. There will be  no losing my eye sight, toes, kidney damage... time to go get it together. I'm hoping to walk at least 25 plus miles this week and start doing some ab work. The more I move the better I feel. Stay tuned! Gotta ATTACK whatever it is that keeps me from being 100% healthy.

New Beginnings... it's time!
Make it good!
N

And so it begins...

Random thoughts this morning...

I haven't performed in months.  I haven't REALLY performed in years when I think about it. Yes, I have sung in class and in rehearsals to help my kids learn.  But somewhere down the line I simply... stopped.  I have been peeling back the layers of the onion to try and figure out where, when, and how this became a problem.  And it is a problem.

I grew up singing.  I thought for sure I was going to be the next Donna Summers when I was a kid. When I got older... it was Anita Baker or Nancy Wilson when I fell in love with jazz.  But today... today I will be singing at a graduation. Not only will I be singing again, but I am going for the gusto and I am actually singing a song that my Aunt Janice Carr was known VERY WELL for singing.  I will sing it EACTLY the way she sang it, because I haven't heard anyone sing it like her.  Her version was simply put:  REMARKABLE!

I believe that our family speaks house from the beyond.  I believe that there are people in your life that speak on behalf of God even when you're not so in tune with what is being said.  I have had so many people tell me "you need to sing more."  Whatever it is that has held me back- I think it is about to leave.

Random thoughts:  I need to believe and tell myself... I CAN do this... I am enough...and I have something to say. Period.  I'm sure Auntie will help me sing her song today...only it will be my voice.
Make it real good!
N

Random Thoughts about "NEW"

I can't even begin to put it into words what it feels like to be in a new home. God has been good to me. I confess, I am learning how to trust Him all over again. There have been so many disappointments in life the past 6 months. There have also been too many people who just wanna tell me "TRUST GOD..."  I CONFESS:  I have stayed away from these people to try and catch my breathe.

Surgeries... deaths... and I am supposed to TRUST GOD... I'm just trying to figure out how you do that and pick up your face when it's buried in tears and grief. It's all good.  This NEW SPACE ... this NEW BEGINNING is the catalyst for change.  Pain is a precursor for change.  I know this.  I learned that lesson eons ago.

And so it is... What's next?  I know it's GOTTA BE ONLY GOOD with the year that I have had. Stay tuned friends. Stay tuned. On the flip side:  I have had the guts to pray..." show me how to trust you again?  Show me... I've lost sight of how to do this. But we shall see. Only time will tell... for now...

I'm enjoying my new beginning in a new area of the Chi and in a new CLEAN...MOLD FREE:  HOME
 NMS